Keepin’ It Real: August 2014

So, to tell you exactly where my mind has been this month (or how much sine wine was consumed before writing this oos5 post), I actually wrote 2004 instead of 2014 at first, for the title of this post. This month has been equal parts flying by and equal parts molasses. Maybe I should describe it as flying through molasses?

August summed up:

Kids started school. Son turned eleven. Daughter got braces off. Bought tickets to see Def Leopard in the fall (whoot! Now what to wear?!). Went over budget. Darn popbacks. Darn fabulous markdowns at Anthropologie. And darn you, Free People for your sales. Bought way, way too much during all of these amazing sale promotions, including this dress, this dress and this top. Spanked self. Cannot even look at a single sock in September. Started saving all of the 5’s and 1’s accumulated at the end of each week for kids’ college in addition to the monthly stipend we deposit for each child. Will be curious to see how much it adds up to at the end of a year. Tried a new pub. Liked it. Have been going twice a week to the chiropractor after migraines revealed neck injury from ten years ago has manifested itself into a neck that no longer curves. Reveled in Genevieve’s Renovation on HGTV and then wondered if anyone else was watching. Became addicted to Jersey Belle after swearing off any more reality t.v. (but she might adopt a baby from a woman she met on the street). Wrote letter to TV Land because I can no longer function without my nightly dose of “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Cursed at the television after True Blood’s horrendous series finale. Apparently I watch too much t.v. Went to every Albertson’s in a thirty mile radius (as a date with my husband. I am a good time) and bought all of their discontinued frozen manicotti (check a store near you. This stuff is fabulous for a quick meal. Just throw in a pan with a jar of sauce and bake for an hour. Located near frozen garlic bread if the store still has it. Sorry peeps near me. You’ll just have to come over for dinner). Now need a stand alone freezer for my hoarding tendencies. Apparently stopped using pronouns.

I am obsessed with funny Family Feud moments found on Pinterest. Oh my goodness! You must read this one about Honey Boo Boo’s family.

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I gained ten pounds this summer and have found it ridiculously hard to care. I also took some awful pictures having nothing to do with the weight gain and everything to do with my face.

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On Friday I went to the chiropractor. He was having this young man shadow him… The hottest young man I ever did see. My husband said he could be the poster child for doctors (he was with me). I learned I am still smooth with my moves at the age of thirty seven because when he walked down the hall towards us, I hit my head on the wall behind me loud enough for those piercing blue eyes to find mine as I screamed in pain after the resonating bang of the impact had everyone look up, so startled was I by gleaming white teeth and perfect genes. Then I impressed him by having my chiropractor show him my xrays of the ribs growing from my neck.

I know how to impress a man.

Isn’t that how it is done these days? Forget cleavage. Pssst… You wanna see my neck ribs?

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Then my husband (ahem. Sorry dear) and I went to breakfast but as we were walking up to the restaurant I heard a dog whimpering and barking in a panic in a locked car. It was all ready ninety degrees outside. The windows were rolled up with just room enough for a flat palm to pass through one of them equating to no breeze. So, I waited to see if anyone was going to come out of any shops. Long story short, they didn’t and I called the authorities. I found the couple sitting in a restaurant (after asking every table.) finishing their breakfast completely carefree. I had a few choice words for them, especially when the woman told me it had only been thirty minutes as she lingered over her coffee. I told her, “You are a mean, mean person to be that cruel.” The authorities (a cop car and animal control, because it is illegal in California to leave your dog locked in a car) were waiting for the couple outside surrounding the car along with a crowd of angry people. There had been other people who had seen and heard the dog as they passed by and were waiting to see if they needed to break a window to get it out. I hated that it had to come to that. I left before the confrontation. I felt bad for calling, but I really did not want the dog to die and I want them to know that they cannot do that. I did not stay to see the finale because I know the end result would have been me in tears possibly in handcuffs when I tried to snatch the dog (it was a Murphy dog). I was shaking for hours afterwards from the situation.

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I made a chocolate cake with an unexpected ingredient and I cannot wait to share it. And oatmeal chocolate chip bars!… I do not know why I gained ten pounds this summer.

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I purchased three vials of pepper spray from a traveling salesman and do not exactly know where to keep them. Or how to explain to my husband I bought a vast amount of pepper spray from a traveling salesman.

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Books I am currently reading. And why I am sometimes behind in my comments. And emails. And life.

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I cannot believe it is almost fall. In Southern California it is hard to keep track of the seasons. It is hot, hotter, not as hot, then cool but not cold. As someone who chronicles outfits this can be tricky. But I am started to get excited for the changing weather, however slight or extreme it decides to fall. I have enough boots and jeans. The staples I am looking for, on clearance, will be a leather jacket and black boots. I also want to add in some more pencil skirts because my husband likes them so much. And I am loving this vest in grey and purple.

September Posts I have in the works:

Pee Wee Herman Ruined My Singing Career
Bohemian Girl Means Business
Where’s The Gnome?
Creamy Green Chile Enchilada Casserole
It’s A Golden Age Eyelet Believe

What was your favorite part about August? Was your month molasses or flying by? Did you participate in any Labor Day Sales?

*If you missed July’s Keepin’ It Real, you can find it here.

There And Back Again

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I have this Anthropologie Ponte Bell Skirt in black and it is one of my favorites. When more colors came out, I added them all to my wishlist with the hope of one day scoring one at a huge discount. In July, I finally was able to acquire one more in the color I had been wanting the most, this really pretty green. I got it for 75% off. The green reminds me of hobbits.

Well, pretty much everything reminds me of hobbits.

It is a bit of a problem.

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When I take this skirt off, it stands up all by itself.

It is as though Gandalf granted it some mysterious skirt power.

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I paired my skirt with a simple dress from Target. This skirt is short, so I feel better knowing that I have extra coverage underneath it. I could have used a striped shirt, goodness knows I have enough, but I was happy with this solution. I like that the back of the dress has a zipper like the back of this skirt.

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We found the neatest gully in the middle of the desert. I want to walk down there one day for pictures. There could be hobbits! But my husband says that I will not be able to get back up.

I think he is forgetting that I am wearing a magic skirt.

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The earrings are from Nordstrom Rack. The bracelet is Free People’s Hammered Stacked Cuff. The shoes are Anthropologie’s Almanac Sandals. The invisible necklace made from the remnants of second breakfast is courtesy of my imagination.

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Do you have anything in your closet that reminds you of your favorite movie? Have you scored any popbacks lately? I have a post coming up soon with some of my recent best finds.

*Today is typically reserved for the feature “It’s The Little Things.” Unfortunately, life got in the way of me finishing pictures for it today. It has been hard adjusting to this back to school thing. The feature should resume next week. Until then, I need to rid myself of this outfit photo backlog.

These photos were edited using the Afterlife App’s forrest filter at 55%.

P.S. * I shared this on The Pleated Poppy!

Hulk Hands Part II

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My son was required to do a school project last year, the week before spring break. He had to choose a product to advertise.

It was my child’s last year at this elementary school.

I had some unfinished business to take care of.

And so, you guessed it, I we chose Hulk Hands (if you have not read that story yet, you might want to. It kind of explains the strangeness that takes over here).

But not the old angry Hulk Hands. These were new and improved. They did not say, “You’re making me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.” Well, unless I put them on while thinking about the next assignment I got to “supervise.”

Here is the unedited commercial. This is the one I wrote. The one my son wrote was obviously more politically correct:

Do you love superheros? Do you want to be a superhero? Okay. That sounds crazy. You do know you can’t really be a superhero, right?

But what about dressing like a superhero?

You could put on a cape, but we’ve all seen how that turns out by watching “The Incredibles.”

You could put on a scary mask, but, well, that’s just scary. And, well, also a little creepy.

Don’t do that.

What if it was something easy to slip on?

What if that something could also help you do your chores?

Or make a birthday party more exciting?

Well, now you can can’t!

First of all, Hulk Hands are easy to slip on and off. And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off.

Is three minutes up yet?

No?

Okay.

And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off. And put on….

your feet.

Ha! Ha!

Just kiddin’ you. Where do you think Hulk Hands go?

On your head?

Wow! Right again!

Just kidding.

I hope you know where to put Hulk Hands. I am not going explain where to put Hulk Hands. If you do not know this, you do not need to buy Hulk Hands. You need to buy a book. And quite possibly seek out a medical professional, because your head must be an insanely odd shape. Such as that of a fist.

You will also look strong while wearing Hulk Hands. Or at least your hands will. Actually, that is not true. You will still have a tiny ten year old body and giant green bulging veiny hands. Good luck with that!

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Do you have chores? Do they involve slamming cabinets, slamming doors, slamming the garbage bin? Well, good. Because those are the only chores Hulk Hands will help you with.

You can’t do dishes in them.

You can’t make your bed while wearing them.

You can’t take out the garbage.

But if you put these on, you have a great excuse as to why you cannot do your chores to tell your parents.

“But Mom! My Hulk Hands are on. They’re stuck! (No need to tell them about how easy they are to get on and off).”

You will definitely get out of your chores.

Okay. You will definitely not get out of your chores.

But you will look funny trying to do them with your Hulk Hands on.

Hulk Hands can make a birthday party more exciting. For your next piñata smashing event, just use Hulk Hands! No need for a baseball bat or a stick, Hulk Hands will do the trick.

You should especially do this if there is a certified social worker there, you should definitely destroy the Spiderman piñata in front of him. Tear it limb to limb. This will not have him telling your mom that maybe she should expect a call from the school. You should also grin at him while carrying Spiderman’s arm while he is saying this. Trust me, he won’t be scared at all.

Just do not eat birthday cake while wearing them. Unless you like eating birthday cake like a dog. Actually this might work out in your favor. If you were a dog, you would have seven birthdays a year. And seven pinatas to destroy. This would make Hulk Hands much more useful. And this paragraph that much longer.

I love my Hulk Hands! I got mine at Target. You can get yours there, too. Even little kids like them. My three year old cousin has a set. But my mom wants a pair now, too.

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This was what his school project looked like. I know what you’re thinking. Did you really send your kid to school with his project in a garbage bag (I think you must have forgotten my son’s mission project featuring Yoda)?

The answer to that is complicated.

Yes and no.

You see, his project was in the garbage bag and his project was the garbage bag.

Make sense?

No?

Well, allow me to demonstrate:

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Yes. I really did just do that. In case my gif is not clear, I am demonstrating trying to take out the trash whilst wearing Hulk Hands. I have obviously missed my calling as both an actor, director, and, well, let’s face it, pretty bad a** super hero.

You’re welcome.

My son ended up getting a “B-” on his report. We were happy with that. He still pulled straight A’s for the year, despite his mother. Thankfully my elementary school days are behind me. Any project he does now will have to be done with little help. Hopefully he does well. However, it has to be better than a black garbage bag right? In the altered words of our inspiration in regards to school projects at home:

“They make me angry. They won’t like me when I’m angry.”

A Better Crockpot Salsa Chicken

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Most of us have done it. Thrown chicken breasts into a crockpot and tossed in a jar of salsa with it. It is easy. It tastes good. And there are so many fantastic ways to use the chicken once it is cooked.

Chicken Tacos. Chicken enchiladas. Chicken salad. Chicken tostadas. Chicken quesadillas. Chicken empanadas. Chicken burritos. Chicken casseroles. Chicken and rice. Chicken…

“That-that’s about it.”

For the last few months, I have been adding a few items to my crockpot salsa chicken to give it a greater depth of flavor. It is still easy. It makes your mouth water. And the best part about it is, it just does not taste like crockpot chicken. And that is…

“All I have to say about that.”

Ingredients:

3-4 pounds of boneless skinless chicken breasts or tenders (Tip: do not ever crockpot chicken breasts with salt water added to them. Those are fine for grilling, but if you put them in a crockpot, the salt water will seep out and create a very salty, watery product)
1 1/2 cups of medium salsa (I used Pace)
1 four oz. can of diced green chiles
1 bay leaf
1/2 tsp. ground cumin
1/2 tsp. ground mexican oregano
1 tsp. garlic powder
3/4 tsp. salt
1 Tbsp. Knorr’s chicken seasoning
1/8 tsp. ground black pepper

Directions:

Put chicken breasts in crockpot. Place all other ingredients on top of chicken. Cover and cook on high for four hours or low for six. I was preparing for company coming over that morning so I forgot to take a picture of the chicken in the crockpot. Trust me, it was there. Unlike my brain in my head that day.

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Remove bay leaf and throw it away. Take chicken out of the crockpot.

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Shred the chicken. Ladle some of the liquid from the crockpot over the shredded chicken until it is moist. This is usually three-four ladlefuls for me. Taste. Add salt as needed.

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Serve however you would like.

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I make such a big batch because for my family I can eke out three meals from this one batch. With this batch: The first day I always make chicken tacos (fry white corn tortillas in vegetable oil, allow to cool in layers on paper towels. Add shredded chicken, taco veggies, shredded monterey jack cheese, cilantro. Serve with sour cream and taco sauce on the side). The second day we had tacos again and the third day I made my chicken enchilada casserole (post to come next week).

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This chicken is so good. It is great to feed a crowd. It goes with everything.

Or as Forrest Gump would say, Me and Jenny crockpots and chicken goes together like peas and carrots.”