Full disclaimer: Yes, I collect gnomes. There is a big difference between gnomes and elves. The biggest one being the smile. Elves are always smiling. It is annoying. And creepy. And devious. I could go on. Gnomes, well, the little guys know how to keep it real. They are grouchy and they don’t mind showing it. With an elf, who knows what is lurking behind that smile?

I hope to never find out.

Did you know I was such a fantasy creature bigot?

If you like your Elf On The Shelf maybe you should not read further. This gnome has a lot to say (in a tongue-in-cheek, please take it in good fun way):

The story:

I called my friend the other night, and as we were talking, the subject of her Elf On The Shelf came up. She was deciding where exactly he was going to show up the next day.

I had a suggestion.

It was outside. It was hollow. It holds disgusting things (which makes it perfect). It only gets picked up once a week (not so perfect).

If you do not know what Elf On The Shelf is, well, you are not alone. I discovered the creepy little guy only three short years ago. I had read about him on some forum and I loved the idea of him. I sought him out…and that is when the nightmares began.

I don’t get it.

I don’t get how thousands upon thousands of households every year host this weird creation. Am I the only one that thinks he might possibly be the scariest thing ever created just a tad bit disturbing?

I will admit I probably would have bought one. The idea is so cute. Right up my alley. Every day, the little elf gets posed throughout the house in various degrees of mischief. The children discover him upon waking up and get excited to see what he is up to.

Cute, right?

But those eyes. And that grin. And those crossed spindly legs…

When a family adopts their elf, they name him and that is when he gets his magic and spies on them all day and then reports their indiscretions deeds to Santa at night. Who knew the jolly red fellow was such a voyeur?

I like the rules that come with him in a book. There are only two.

I can think of so many more.

1. You cannot touch him.

Um, no problem there.

How about let’s make that a vice versa kind of deal? How about let’s make that a rule?

2. He cannot move while anyone in the household is still awake.

Then, when they are asleep he wreaks havoc.

How many nights do you think I could go without sleep?

Do you think the toothpicks holding my eyes open could be used as a weapon against me?

So, my husband and I both agreed we would never be buying this monstrosity elf. It was agreed upon. Signed. Sealed. No more discussion.

But we were shopping at Costco the other day. Do you see where this is going?

My husband stopped in front of me. “Do you think we should get one of those?”

I looked to where he was pointing. It. Was. A. Mountain. Of. Elves. On. The. Shelves. (Literally. They were on the shelves.)

Traitor.

“I th-th-thought we agreed that that was n-n-never, ever going to happen,” I stuttered.

“We did. But, look! This one is a girl. She doesn’t look as creepy.”

I looked. Indeed it was a girl. She was smiling. I looked again. They were all smiling.

Shudder.

They thought they had won.

I could see them planning their home invasion.

Not so fast there Ms. Elf! Don’t ya know gnomes trump elves every time.

I grabbed my husband’s hand and led him away from the cute cunning demons creatures.

I turned and smiled back at them in triumph.

I swear I saw one of them wave.

Or maybe it was another gesture…