instagram

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Instagram: Please Help

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Okay, I started an Instagram account (TheGnomeLover). Finally. I am a dinosaur. New technology terrifies me. I hate social media. I know. The irony. But I don’t like the thought of everyone’s business being seen by the whole world in a constant stream of information. I like to take time to contemplate things. I like to think things over. Scrutinize the importance of what I am putting out there. Look for boogers in pictures. The idea of “instant” is scary. Sometimes it takes me a year to edit a story. I like to wait at least a week to publish an outfit post.

This is me being a risk taker.

I’m outta control.

My friend has been telling me that I need an Instagram account for my blog forever. But I was resistant. Then I thought the other day, what if Gnomelover gets taken? What if one day I actually want an Instagram Account, but I can’t get my name??? Panic set in. I tried to register it. Well, it was all ready taken. Sigh. So, I took TheGnomeLover. As in the one and only. Because I like to be as obnoxious as I possibly can.

But, anyway, I kind of don’t understand Instagram. What do you post? When you hashtag, do you use spaces? I just learned the word hashtag last month. And I use the word “learned” loosely. If my kids learned the alphabet like I learned the word “hashtag,” they would still be in kindergarten and my heart would still be whole.

How do you find people to follow? Is there a home page? Is there a search feature?

What are “likes”?

How often is too much posting to Instagram? What are the etiquette rules for Instagram? What if I like to take food pictures?

Am I ready for this?

Am I overthinking this?

If I have a booger or cellulite hanging out, will you let me know?

Gosh. Do I want to know?

Wait. Are these questions even more terrifying than pictures I could post?

I realize I could probably find these questions somewhere online, but it took me a half an hour just to find the button to sign up for an account. I am hoping you might be able to guide me in the right direction.

I think I will post stuff not on the blog and on the blog. Like yesterday I posted a picture from my house that won’t make it to the blog. And a blog picture. Maybe I will post pictures of blog posts coming up. Ollie. Murphy (who is sick. Please send good thoughts his way).

Thank you for your help! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some cave drawings that need to get done before the T-Rex comes around.

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Dear Children: Social Media

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Dear Children,

I know you are upset at Mommy for denying you access to Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I know it seems unfair when your peers get to participate in something you are not allowed to do. But your mommy is old fashioned. She was born before the internet. She was born before cell phones. Or digital cameras. Or digital cameras on cell phones.

And, oh my goodness, is she ever so grateful for this.

Because you see, children, Mommy made a lot of bad choices. A lot of bad mistakes. And there are people out there that want to see those mistakes. They feed off of it. And Mommy is so thankful to have been born at a time when these mistakes were not so easy to see. To witness. To chronicle forever.

I am going to try to protect you from this immediate gratification, perplexing world.

For as long as I am able.

And I know it does not seem fair.

But your brains are still developing. There are things you might say. Pictures you might post. Those could haunt you forever. As your parent, it is my obligation to help you make correct choices.

So, no, dear children. You will not have access to these instant social circumstances invading our internet. Not while I am in charge of you. Not while you live with me.

Because, children, you are going to make mistakes.

Big mistakes.

Hopefully, not too big…

I want you to have to deal with those in your heart and not on a page. Where someone else can judge. Write something. Punish you forever.

I choose this because I love you.

You tell me, “When I turn eighteen, I am getting a facebook account.”

And I know you will. (If there still is such a thing).

I also hope you remember the lessons I am trying to teach you. That you should think before you act. Think before you post. Think before you take that picture.

It cannot be taken back. And “forever” is a scary word in this world that cannot see the future.

But, regardless of what you do:

In this instant world, I love you every day.

Every second.

Every instant.

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* I recently learned my children are googling my blog. Which is sweet. Very sweet. But I also want to know that they are learning something from me besides simple recipes and pretty clothing. These letters are real letters to my children. From their mother. You might not agree with my message, but please respect my sentiment.