My son was required to do a school project last year, the week before spring break. He had to choose a product to advertise.
It was my child’s last year at this elementary school.
I had some unfinished business to take care of.
And so, you guessed it, I we chose Hulk Hands (if you have not read that story yet, you might want to. It kind of explains the strangeness that takes over here).
But not the old angry Hulk Hands. These were new and improved. They did not say, “You’re making me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.” Well, unless I put them on while thinking about the next assignment I got to “supervise.”
Here is the unedited commercial. This is the one I wrote. The one my son wrote was obviously more politically correct:
Do you love superheros? Do you want to be a superhero? Okay. That sounds crazy. You do know you can’t really be a superhero, right?
But what about dressing like a superhero?
You could put on a cape, but we’ve all seen how that turns out by watching “The Incredibles.”
You could put on a scary mask, but, well, that’s just scary. And, well, also a little creepy.
Don’t do that.
What if it was something easy to slip on?
What if that something could also help you do your chores?
Or make a birthday party more exciting?
Well, now you can can’t!
First of all, Hulk Hands are easy to slip on and off. And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off.
Is three minutes up yet?
No?
Okay.
And put on. And take off. And put on. And take off. And put on….
your feet.
Ha! Ha!
Just kiddin’ you. Where do you think Hulk Hands go?
On your head?
Wow! Right again!
Just kidding.
I hope you know where to put Hulk Hands. I am not going explain where to put Hulk Hands. If you do not know this, you do not need to buy Hulk Hands. You need to buy a book. And quite possibly seek out a medical professional, because your head must be an insanely odd shape. Such as that of a fist.
You will also look strong while wearing Hulk Hands. Or at least your hands will. Actually, that is not true. You will still have a tiny ten year old body and giant green bulging veiny hands. Good luck with that!
Do you have chores? Do they involve slamming cabinets, slamming doors, slamming the garbage bin? Well, good. Because those are the only chores Hulk Hands will help you with.
You can’t do dishes in them.
You can’t make your bed while wearing them.
You can’t take out the garbage.
But if you put these on, you have a great excuse as to why you cannot do your chores to tell your parents.
“But Mom! My Hulk Hands are on. They’re stuck! (No need to tell them about how easy they are to get on and off).”
You will definitely get out of your chores.
Okay. You will definitely not get out of your chores.
But you will look funny trying to do them with your Hulk Hands on.
Hulk Hands can make a birthday party more exciting. For your next piñata smashing event, just use Hulk Hands! No need for a baseball bat or a stick, Hulk Hands will do the trick.
You should especially do this if there is a certified social worker there, you should definitely destroy the Spiderman piñata in front of him. Tear it limb to limb. This will not have him telling your mom that maybe she should expect a call from the school. You should also grin at him while carrying Spiderman’s arm while he is saying this. Trust me, he won’t be scared at all.
Just do not eat birthday cake while wearing them. Unless you like eating birthday cake like a dog. Actually this might work out in your favor. If you were a dog, you would have seven birthdays a year. And seven pinatas to destroy. This would make Hulk Hands much more useful. And this paragraph that much longer.
I love my Hulk Hands! I got mine at Target. You can get yours there, too. Even little kids like them. My three year old cousin has a set. But my mom wants a pair now, too.
This was what his school project looked like. I know what you’re thinking. Did you really send your kid to school with his project in a garbage bag (I think you must have forgotten my son’s mission project featuring Yoda)?
The answer to that is complicated.
Yes and no.
You see, his project was in the garbage bag and his project was the garbage bag.
Make sense?
No?
Well, allow me to demonstrate:
Yes. I really did just do that. In case my gif is not clear, I am demonstrating trying to take out the trash whilst wearing Hulk Hands. I have obviously missed my calling as both an actor, director, and, well, let’s face it, pretty bad a** super hero.
You’re welcome.
My son ended up getting a “B-” on his report. We were happy with that. He still pulled straight A’s for the year, despite his mother. Thankfully my elementary school days are behind me. Any project he does now will have to be done with little help. Hopefully he does well. However, it has to be better than a black garbage bag right? In the altered words of our inspiration in regards to school projects at home:
“They make me angry. They won’t like me when I’m angry.”