I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t sleep.
And sometimes when I cannot sleep my mind drifts to my childhood. And somewhere along the way memories of Nikki get tangled in the carefree floating of my reminiscence. It weighs me down. Heavy. A heart still, after all of these years, soggy and bloated with unresolved tears.
After Nikki’s death, our school was a hazy daze. I had mentioned before that she was Junior Class Treasurer. I was Junior Class Secretary. Or perhaps it was flipped. We ran in the election together and it was all a blur. Honestly, all I can remember were joyful meetings of four young girls. Lots of giggles. And perhaps someone was supposed to write something down. Probably me. But I always preferred to giggle. Nikki made it impossible to not be happy in a room filled with her laughter.
As I lay in my bed and thought of Nikki, I could not help but think of her killer. What had become of him?
It had been over twenty years since he had shot and murdered my friend. I had always been scared to look him up. Know his fate. Fear of the consuming and hopeless anger I would feel if I learned that he had been released from prison.
Fear of the known.
But the other night I decided to finally google his name.
And I found him. At one o’clock in the morning. My soul cold in my warm bed. The house dark. My spirit on fire. I found him.
On an inmate pen-pal website.
I found him.
His picture. His sentence. His plea for a girl to write him.
His eyes stared from my computer screen into my own. My stomach collided with my heart in a sickening thud. Tears streamed down my face until his profile was a swollen blur of words I could no longer see, but could repeat to you verbatim.
I tried not to dwell on the tidbits of himself that he had shared. His birthday the same as one of my loved ones. His eyes hazel. His hair black. His entire profile full of friendly banter and devoid of one word of remorse. I tried to concentrate on the fact that he was serving life. Behind bars. With no chance of parole.
And I tried to make my heart feel happy with that news.
But not an ounce of that feeling could be derived from my bones.
You see, all I could feel was a sick rage that he dared to address the world with his tidings of loneliness. His woe of sadness. His boredom. His need.
He left my friend to die while he washed his hands of gun powder. He left her to die while he changed his shoes. He left her to die in his apartment when he went to call the police from a pay phone instead of using his own home phone. Her father sat waiting for his daughter in that very same restaurant while their food grew cold.
He left her to die.
And she did.
And he dares to complain of loneliness as he breathes air that should be in my friend’s unharmed lungs. And he dares to brag of a vast education after he stripped a straight A student of her own. And he dares to speak of his body when her body lies in the ground.
And I cannot sleep.
And I cannot sleep.
And I cannot sleep.
He dares.
Wish I could think of something of comfort to say. Such awful pain. <3
Thank you Brynne! You are always so sweet. And thank you for the email! I have lots to write you on Friday once my husband gets to work!
Have a beautiful weekend!
Jenni
I’m a new follower of yours Jenni and love all of your posts. I love that you are real, have real emotions, and are open enough to share anything from the silly to the dark moments we have in the middle of the night. I’m sorry for the pain 🙁
Wow! Thank you so much. I really, really appreciate that. I want to always be myself. Whatever I am feeling at the moment. I want my kids to know me when they get older. I was so sad when I wrote this. I have buried it down. it is very hard to deal with.
Thank you again!
Have a sweet weekend!
Jenni
Oh my gosh. I can thing of nothing to say either. Just speechless.
I felt the same way until I just wrote it all down. Rereading it makes me so angry again…
Have a lovely weekend!
Jenni
Holy fffff…..!! Oh Jenni, I feel so terrible for you that you ended up seeing that. Maybe you can contact the prison letter service, or whatever it’s called, and explain the situation to them – and ask them to take down his profile? Would that make you feel a little bit less helpless in the face of it all? Even if they refuse, at least you’d know you had tried.
What you mustn’t, mustn’t even think of doing is writing to him yourself to tell you what a scumbag he is. That would be letting him win. He is clearly a sociopath with no sense of remorse. It’s a good thing that he’s serving life, he is way too dangerous to be let out again, and the courts have recognised that. At least you have that to hold on to…
I hope you can do something nice today. Go for a walk with the dogs, put on an old record and dance, maybe visit Nikki’s grave with flowers and a packet of Top Ramen. Don’t let this get to you, please. Ah, I just feel so bad for you.
Okay. How did you know that I wanted to write him? I don’t think I would but it is tempting. He was so smug. I will never get his smirking face out of my brain. Nikki’s grave is three hours away. If I am ever that way again, I would definitely do that.
Thank you for the sweet words. I definitely took them to heart.
Have a sunny weekend!
Jenni
Jenni
I wouldn’t be able to sleep either. I grew up with a boy who’s younger sister hired someone to kill her ex-boyfriend. I grew up in a very small town. I knew everyone involved (except the boy who actually did the killing) and had known them my whole life. A friend’s husband actually found the ex-boyfriend in a field. This all was so crazy & insane to be happening in my hometown. The younger sister has been in prison for the past 20 yrs I believe. I do not know what her sentence was, but she was only 17 or so when it happened. She recently showed up in the “people you may know” section on my facebook feed. It was really jarring to see that. I don’t think something like that ever really leaves you & definitely changes you. It’s something I hope my children never experience. Hugs to you.
Oh man. My stomach rolled over when I thought of you seeing her as someone you may know. Ugh. I don’t understand how people like that are allowed to be on,social media. And I cannot believe that someone that young would plot something so sinister.
I hope your children and my children never experience it either. You never ever get over it. And it definitely made me over protective.
Thank you for your comment and comforting words.
Have a sweet weekend!
Jenni
that’s horrible. simply horrible. I am sorry.
Yes. Horrible is exactly the word. And even now my eyes fill with tears thinking of her father sitting there and him writing that letter. It makes me so mad. Just like Charles Manson being able to get married. It just makes me weary with our justice system.
Have a happy weekend!
Jenni
Jenni, I am so sorry. Sorry you lost your friend in such a horrible way. Sorry you found that evil man in a such a sickening state of non-repentance, and sorry that you have to live with all that pain in your heart.
Thank you Michelle. You know, I am almost thinking that not knowing what became of him was better. In my head, he was sorry for what he had done.
Sweet dreams!
Jenni
Thank you for sharing even the dark moments.
A horrible continuation to a horrible crime… I read this and willed you some of my strength and a hug, because I can only imagine the ongoing pain this brings you.
Thank you Leanna. I just cannot imagine the pain her mother goes through. Oh, it just makes me so mad. I can feel it in my chest right now.
Have a happy Saturday!
Jenni
How horrifying. I can’t even imagine. And I don’t want to. No wonder you can’t sleep.
I can think of no words to comfort you.
People do bad things.
Know that I’m thinking of you.
bisous
Suzanne
Thank you Suzanne. You know, your sentence is so true. People do bad things. I just wish that the remorseful person I pictured in my heart was real. Instead he calls women a degrading name in the same instance that he asks them to write him. And that is a hard thing I am trying to get past.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Jenni
Oh my goodness. That is so awful. I am so sorry, Jenni.
Thank you Liana. It makes me sad and mad to think about it. It is something I will always carry with me.
Have a sweet weekend!
Jenni
Oh my gosh! I don’t think there are any comforting words to say. What an unspeakable, awful tragedy! I am glad that he is still in prison, which is so less than he deserves. Wow! I agree w/ everything you said & am so sorry for your loss. They say time heals, but I know it’s impossible to truely get over something like this loss.
:(rebecca
Thank you Rebecca. Your words mean a lot. This is the time of night when my brain wanders to that time.
Have a wonderful week!
Jenni