Dear Children,

Today your daddy and I went out to lunch while you were at school. I know this is shocking. I imagine that when you think of your parents while you are at school (and you do, right? All of the time, right?), we are standing somewhere in the house. Mannequins frozen in motion. Arms stiff in the act of baking a cake or making the bed.

We are wooden caricatures of ourselves with the simulated expression of the day preserved on our face for eight hours…

Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but while you guys are in school we have loads of good times. Fun times. And we eat out a lot.

A lot.

So, we went to a winery. ‘Cause we could. And while Mommy was sitting there enjoying the view and the cool breezes, your dad said something to her…

“Oh my God!” He said through clenched teeth and in a whispered breath. “Don’t turn around. But, you have to look when this lady comes by.”

Curiouser.

At that moment, a woman came down the stairs and rounded the corner where I was sitting. And sweet children, I do not know what this lady was thinking when she left the house. I do not know if she ran into a pack of garment munching wild beasts before she decided to eat lunch.

But her skirt was missing.

Oh, it was kind of there. But it was shorter than her underwear. So, I do not know if that constitutes it being a skirt or a belt for her underwear. Which was a g-string… When she walked by Mommy’s table, her butt was four inches lower than her “skirt.”

I said to your daddy, whose eyes were still very wide, “Oh my gosh! I can see her butt!”

Which I really did not need to say. Because everyone could. And the question that is posed becomes, “Why?”

And your daddy said, “Yes, and I saw the front. Ummm, I just watched her come down the staircase. Imagine what I saw…”

It was quite shocking in the middle of the day and at a nice restaurant, too.

We continued with our conversation, but I am a seeker of information.

I asked your dad where she had gone and he pointed to a big table where several women fully clothed were sitting. Which just proves that your dad does indeed have eyes in the back of his head or the most fantastic peripheral vision this world has seen. Because he never turned around. Which makes me want to watch him more closely…

Mommy’s brain almost burst from her head at this information. All of the other women were very conservative. And in the middle of these ladies sat the woman with the skirt she had stolen from her child’s doll. (Don’t worry, you do not need to hide your dolls. Mommy would never do that).

And a thought popped into my head, children: how was she sitting?

It is a scientific fact that when you sit, your skirt gets shorter. It just does. So that lady had to be sitting with her friends with her very front on display at the table. At lunch. In the middle of a restaurant.

It was bizarre.

I am wondering how many of her friends handed her a napkin for the situation presenting itself. And the napkin would have been longer than the skirt.

Which brings me to the moral of this letter:

Your clothes should cover your private parts. Amen. The end.

Daughter: Please think about what you want to represent when you leave the house. Do not put yourself fully on display. Leave things to the imagination. Do not make your friends hand you a napkin to cover your parts.

And beware of garment munching wild beasts.

Son: Please do not bring a girl wearing a doll skirt home to meet me. I am not good at hiding my feelings. You might actually see me turn into that frozen mannequin.

I do not think your poor daddy’s eyes could handle it.

And I do not know that my napkins are up to the challenge..

* I recently learned my children are googling my blog. Which is sweet. Very sweet. But I also want to know that they are learning something from me besides simple recipes and pretty clothing. These letters are real letters to my children. From their mother. You might not agree with my message, but please respect my sentiment.