I Hate Pigeons

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The blasted rats with wings.

“Coo. Coo. Coo.

“I hate you.”

It all started back when my daughter was three months old.

Rewind.

It all started when I was pregnant with my daughter and we moved into a rental home.

There was a rustling in the eves. I looked up. And a thousand pigeons stared down at me.

“Oh. Aren’t they cute?” I ignorantly thought.

I assumed anything would have been better than the apartment where we had been living. A girl I went to high school with lived in the same apartment complex. She had woken up the week before when a bullet went through the pillow next to her head. The neighbors upstairs had gotten into a little spat. No biggie.

It happens.

We moved the next week.

Into a different kind of nightmare.

A nightmare occupied and governed by a new beast.

A beast innocently called, “pigeon.”

There is nothing innocent about a pigeon.

Don’t let those children’s books, “Don’t let the pigeon drive the bus!” fool you. There should be a book entitled, “Don’t let the pigeons near us!” or something similar. Maybe a little darker. Maybe involving a certain pigeon and a bus with the kind of happy ending I could get behind. Anyway, I digress…

They were everywhere.

We could not clean up the droppings fast enough.

I gave birth to my daughter and rarely left the house for three months. This led me to conveniently ignore the pigeons. I thought they were an annoying nuissance. Nothing more. Certainly not a death trap.

Okay. Let’s fast forward. My daughter is three months old. It was raining. I went to lay her down in her crib for her nap and I felt a drop of water hit my hand. I looked up and the entire ceiling above her crib was swollen with water. It drooped low and menacingly above our heads.

I quickly ran and placed my daughter safely in her bassinet in our bedroom. Then I moved the crib towards the doorway, away from the bowing ceiling.

I then called my landlord.

“Hello. Yes, this is your tenants. The ceiling in our daughter’s room is completely filled with wa-.”

CRASH!

I ran into the room. The ceiling had caved in. The area where my daughter’s crib had been mere minutes before was now littered with broken plaster and jagged beams.

To say it was scary was an understatement.

It turns out that the delightful pigeons fiends that had roosted there had feces that could melt a roof. And they did. And it was.

And then the roof was fixed.

Here is the kicker: Apparently this was the third time this had happened! And they let me put my baby’s room there. And they never exterminated the house! And we moved two months later.

They do exist!

Now that I am aware of the detriments that these creatures can create, I am always watchful of a single pigeon. I will not let these tenants move in. Not for one day. Not for an hour.

The other day, I heard it. It was the sound from my nightmares.

“Coo!”

“Mom, is that an owl?”

“No, son. That’s a demon.”

I went outside. There it was, resting on my chimney. Taunting me.

Seriously, look at it looking at me.

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Why? Why do I spend all of my efforts on my thighs? If the pigeon was closer, I could have used my thigh’s awesome power and clapped it to smitherines. But no such luck. It was not getting near my trap.

Then I thought of it.

I scrambled to the pool area. I grabbed one of my kid’s high power water guns. I filled it with pool water.

And I took aim.

I fired.

It hit the side of the roof.

The pigeon was not phased.

I refilled my gun.

Missed again!

At this point, I was covered in water. I was wearing rain boots (photo shoot for a story). It was eighty degrees and sunny outside. I was screaming at the bird. I was giving the bird the bird. And I am sure my neighbors were cooing in their pants.

Refill. Shoot. Miss. Scream.

Repeat.

Finally the pigeon took pity on me. Or I had turned into a bigger monster than it.

It left.

I hope it did not leave to get back-up.

Oh well. I have a whole pool full of water and many more refills in me.

This war ain’t over.

“Coo! Coo! Coo!

I’ll get you.”

Has a war ever been won with water guns? I am afraid I am about to find out.

*I recognize the pictures are of a Dove and not a Pigeon. In my flurry of uncharacteristically fast movement I forgot to get a picture of THE Pigeon. If you squint, you can just pretend like I do. Of course, I don’t squint. I just drink wine. Cheers.

The First Theft

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We have discussed my husband’s scheming plots here before. His sneaky thefts did not start with the iPod. The looting started long before that. His trickery is a repeating spiral of deception (this is where I feel the need to add for those that do not get my humor, that I am kidding. My husband is the sweetest man alive. The following story is told with tongue in cheek)

When my husband and I first got married, we had a little argument. It has been almost sixteen years. I have never let it go. I think this is not healthy.

You see, I was pregnant and all I wanted besides hamburgers, cake, and ice cream were Twix candy bars. I would buy them by the handful at the grocery store.

One day something tragic happened.

I opened the cupboard before I went to work and there lying on the shelf was the only survivor of my traumatic food binge from the night before. The gold wrapper of the Twix bar sparkled like tears in the fluorescent kitchen light. I thought about sparing the poor soul. But then I remembered he was made of chocolate. I patted his crinkly skin and vowed to end his torment the moment I got home from work. I gently shut the cupboard doors and begrudgingly left for work.

All day I daydreamed of my victim.

The gooey caramel that would spill forth when I bit into its chocolate flesh. The scream of the wrapper as I ripped it apart. The crunch of its cookie foundation as I devoured its essence.

I could not wait.

The moment I got home I ran to the cupboard. I threw open the doors expecting to see my gleaming golden prize.

Instead I saw…

Nothing.

There was nothing there.

I knew only one thing could have happened.

Someone else must have gotten to my source of happiness first.

I spun around and faced my husband who was innocently humming to himself as he fried some onions in a pan for dinner. He did not know he had the worst kind of monster behind him.

The hungry angry wife.

“Did you eat my Twix Bar?” I practically shouted. I really did not need to hear his answer. It was quite obvious that he had. There were two people who had a key to our apartment. The two people in the kitchen. And those two people had an unhealthy obsession with Twix Bars.

My husband spun around surprised. “N-n-n-o.”

“Well then, where is it? I left it right here before I left this morning.”

The candy thief My husband had composed himself while I spoke. Now he was indignant. “Well, I didn’t eat it. Maybe you ate it and forgot.”

Maybe I ate it and forgot?

The devoured Twix Bar probably boiled like lava in his stomach from the fire shooting from my eyes.

Six words had never made me madder.

As if I would not remember the experience of eating my chocolatey treat. As if I was some sort of candy eating creature who searched the cupboards and thoughtlessly devoured anything sweet in sight (let’s forget about the Twix’s brothers that had disappeared, themselves, throughout the week. This was simply about Twix himself and I knew I had not eaten him).

“I didn’t eat the Twix bar! You ate it! I know you ate it!”

“I didn’t eat it! I didn’t even know we had a Twix bar!”

“I know you did it. Just admit it.” (This was the time in our lives when our only VHS tape was a Chris Rock video. I am pretty sure he did not mean a candy bar when he said those lines).

“I didn’t do it!”

This went on and on.

For sixteen years. We go back and forth about the candy bar a few times a year. Isn’t that sweet?

But I know my husband ate my Twix Bar. I sometimes wish I could go back in time and go over the crime scene one more time. Smell his breath. His fingers. Check the trash can for the the wrapper. But I can’t. So now I just need him to admit the truth.

He has maintained his innocence for more than a decade. I don’t believe the facade for a second.

We have gone through years of Twix slogans taunting us on the television.

A few years ago Twix ran with the phrase, “Two for me. None for you.” I would glare at my husband and ask him in response to the commercial, “Did you write that?”

There is now the more recent campaign, “Need a moment. Chew it over with Twix.” I can perfectly picture him reliving the moment when I first asked him if he had eaten my golden candy bar. If only he had had a moment to think of a better answer…

I think my husband has a secret side job.

How else to explain the ads?

My children have been born and raised with the Twix homicide story. I have not asked them to take up the case when they get older. It is not a mystery. It is not an unsolved crime. We do not need a detective.

I know my husband did it.

Now I just need him to admit it.

Any ideas on how to catch a criminal? Do you ever have ridiculous fights with your partner? Did the Twix Bar get up and walk away from its captors? Most importantly, do you think he ate it?

In the words of the candy bar in question, “Try both and pick a side. Chew it over with Twix.”

There Is A Saying For A Reason

“Stupid is as stupid does.”

Yep.

Why do I always does?

The other night I went to a farm to watch my daughter ride horses. I have always considered myself a farm girl. I grew up on a property that had once been a ranch. I believe it had cattle. Granted all of the cows had been sold long before I was ever born. But, still, I grew up on an apiary. Bees are a bit tricky to ride but once you get the hang of it… Farm girl was a label I stubbornly claimed in my head.

I. Was. Wrong.

I am not now, nor will I ever be a farm girl.

I saw a cow on the farm. Nevermind that it was the biggest darn cow anyone had ever seen. The horses in the pen with it looked like dogs. It looked like Paul Bunyan’s Ox. For some reason I thought it was cute. I think I played much too much Oregon Trail growing up.

In my head cows are were harmless no matter what size they are.

Again. Wrong.

And harmless no matter if they had horns the size of my arm.

Again. Wrong. And… Duh!

Well, I decided to pose with the cow.

The cow did not want to pose with me. He must have smelt the hamburger I had eaten earlier on my breath. Maybe I deserved what came next.

The cow, bull, giant demon decided to ram its horn up against my hand on the bar, crushing my finger between its horn and the metal.

I almost passed out.

It felt like my finger was gone. I seriously thought I had no more finger. It must have gone to wherever my brain had decided to wander (please let me know if you find it).

Thankfully, my finger was just very bruised.

It was all my fault.

Who puts their hand in the vicinity of a 3000 pound animal with horns?

Who knew I would raise my now-much-larger hand to that question?

Who would think that this would be a good idea?

I does. I does. I does.

And you better believe it…this cmock and bull story is real. I, unfortunately have the picture to prove it:

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Be smarter than me, my friends. Be smarter than me.

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And don’t go grab the bull by the horns today.

You can, however, laugh in hysterics over these pictures. I know I am. Even if I am wiping the tears of mirth away with only one hand.

Overheard In October 2014

I tend to gravitate towards the elderly. I feel like somehow our society has devalued the older generations and it should be the exact opposite. When I am out, I will usually watch them to see if they need anything or just for my own contentment. I have been thinking on this subject a lot this week, especially age discrimination. Not just discrimination against the elderly but teenagers, too. But that is a post for another day.

So, last month’s overheard in focused on one conversation that my husband and I had with an elderly gentleman. I still think about him often and I keep hoping I will run into him again. This month’s overheard in has a few conversations of the same type. Not moments that I was in but ones that I have overheard. If you ever want to really appreciate the wide expanse of our time here on Earth, go to Costco during lunch hour. Once there, you will see couples in their later years of life, widowers meeting, single people eating by themselves, mothers begging their children not to run around the huge stone pillars (which seems to be a travesty because the pillars seemed destined for such activities), sweaty workers relieved for an easy and quick meal to grab on their break, and business men in suits hoping for the same. It is as though the whole fluctuation of time and humanity is in that food court.

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My husband and I were sitting in the food court at Costco. This seems to be a regular thing, but really it only happens about once or twice a month. I will sit and score us a table. He will stand in the line, order the food, get our drinks, and make his hot dog. I obviously have the better end of the deal. I will cut my slice of pizza in half and give it to him. He will let me eat as much of the frozen chocolate yogurt (with diet coke. Yum!) as I can muster before it becomes all his. I have a weird thing about sharing food and drink. As in, I don’t.

On this particular day, I sat with my back to the Costco exit. I never sit this way, because as I have said before, I like to see what people have purchased. My own cart was a mismatched sugar and flower paradise, just the way I like it. And I had it packed so full that the only way I could fit into that seat was to place my back against it so it would not roll away. The older man next to me promised me he would stop it with his foot if it started going.

Let us study him and his wife for a moment. They sat to my left and they were an elderly couple in their mid-eighties. He was small and thin. She was robust and had circular glasses. Her hair was still a sea of black with waves of grey breaking free only at the highest frothy peaks. To my right sat an older couple in their mid-seventies. Their body frames and body languages were almost identical. Tall and removed. In front of that couple, with his back to me, was a man in his eighties by himself. He had a wedding ring on his left hand. All five of them had large dark age spots covering their arms. And I began to wonder, when does this occur? Why don’t I know this? This is something that I should know.

All three men were wearing slacks. The women, beautiful patterned blouses. The woman on my left said to her husband, “Do you think we should go check? Do you think it’s ready yet?” And he in turned replied, “let’s give it a few more minutes.”

The couple on my right were having almost an identical conversation. About picking up prescriptions at Costco.

And you guys, you guys, let us all be so grateful for our health.

After a few more moments, the couple on my left decided that it was indeed time to check on their prescriptions. The couple on my right were more cautious, pessimistic, if you will. The man stood up and I turned to the woman and complimented her on her blouse. She smiled and thanked me. It was at this moment that the husband came around to help her from her seat. She could barely move. And the gesture of love just made my heart swell.

Not the helping her up, but the realization that her husband probably put that shirt on her that day. She could not put it on herself. So, without realizing it, I had given them both a compliment. And I felt like I had invaded an intimacy that was not mine to intrude upon. Because in the moment that his hand grasped her body to help it rise from the bench, unwittingly their whole morning flashed in a sequence before my eyes. The picking out of the blouse. The rising of her arms as he slipped it over her head. And then the same gesture that he was creating now as he eased her from their bed. It was beautiful. And heartbreaking. And pure.

I cast my eyes down as to not break their privacy any more than I all ready had.

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Let’s move on to something funny. My husband and I were walking down the street in our town. We were headed to our favorite Cuban coffee shop.

As we were walking, two men in their mid-forties stood across the street. They were speaking very loudly to one another.

One of the men was built like a cut tulip on its third day of adjusting to a vase of water still shocked at the loss of firm ground caressing its now amputated roots. He was all round from his thin legs up with a point for a head.

His Boston accent rang through the morning air, “You wanna know my biggest fear?”

He did not wait for his companion, a nondescript man who was a blade of grass to the tulip, to answer.

“You win the Pennsylvania lottery and then you’re gone.”

My husband and I both turned and looked at each other with confused grins on our faces. It was such an odd thing to overhear on our small California street, especially in the morning before coffee. And not at night before wine.

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One of the things my family loves to do is go to the bookstore together. There is nothing better than the smell of thousands of books joined together. Each so different that it would be like throwing together all of the world’s lovers and enemies into one room and instead of the loud clamoring one would expect, all that is heard is peaceful accepting silence. Each book wrapped up and secure with the knowledge of themselves.

Not everybody feels this way.

Apparently.

Because as my son and I were walking down an aisle, a man turned to his wife and began to complain about wanting to sit down.

This is what he said, “The only place to sit was by that chair.”

I did not comprehend the irony of his statement until my son turned to me with a huge grin and a twinkle in his eye. After the couple had left the aisle, he whispered to me, “Did that man just say what I think he said?”

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I was at a grocery store a few weeks ago and I could not help but overhear a woman who was passing out samples to another woman. She kept repeating herself in different ways and I had to wonder what the younger woman thought of the stranger’s assessment of her health.

The woman in her twenties stopped to get a sample. The woman passing out the sample began to give a speech about the benefits of the sample for one’s health.

The woman said, “Maybe I should try this. I haven’t been feeling well.”

The lady replied, “You know, you do look a little funky.”

“I feel it.”

“You look really sick. I think you should go to the doctor. Get a Z-pack.”

I left before more medical advice was given, but I had to wonder how I would feel if someone told me I looked funky. To me, the woman looked completely normal. Maybe I don’t know what funky looks like. Maybe I look funky.

Maybe I need a Z-pack. Or a seat next to a chair. Or to play The Pennsylvania Lottery.

Did you overhear anything good or interesting this month? Please share. I’m all ears.