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Searching For… II

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I have written here before about the odd ways people can sometimes stumble onto my blog. It continuously makes me smile. Here are some more that I have gathered, typos and grammar in original state:

Gap shirt a watched pot
I cannot believe someone else knows about this shirt!

What is the efect of atending the lover’s weding?
(The same as a watched pot)

Its okay i deserve it
(hey! That’s my anthem, too!)

Please secret to my husband
What am I supposed to secret to him? The suspense is killing me!

I think I’m Adorable Archive
(Yikes! Well, I guess that’s better than affordable)

Costco Elf Shelf sitter
(Gulp. Why does it need a sitter? Excuse me while I go run and scream)

Boobs
(oh, you poor unfortunate soul to have stumbled here. And, also, while I can appreciate that you aren’t picky, you might want to be more specific… And less caveman-like if you ever want to end your quest)

Please secret to my husband 2
No, no, no! I didn’t even secret the first part to him! You must provide more information. And also, hire someone other than google search engine!

Gnome names for lover
(I’m a little scared)

Gnome lover lady
(I did this to myself)

Cowgirls Squishing Spiders
(I get this one a lot. I mean ALOT! I am not sure which part of the search term fetish is more disturbing)

Nude In Overalls
(again, I apologize that your search engine brought you here)

Gnomelover elephant belt

this is not really happening
(you bet your life it is)

there once was a lazy gnome who didn’t like his mountain home
(Why? Why didn’t he like his mountain home? Were there cowgirls squishing spiders there? On a side note, I hope you are writing a book! And I will buy it!)

make cookies without butter
(WHAAAAAA?!?! Blasphemy!)

i ate a whole sheet cake
(Me, too! Gluttoners Unite!)

chili that does not clum togather
(I hate when my chili does not clum togather. Although it is better than when tacos do not drunch)

hokey i no my way around the rink
(the rink or the drink?)

Oh! I love thee search engine. Don’t ever change!

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Searching For…

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Most of the folks who stumble upon my blog by way of searching Google usually do so by looking for a certain dress or top. Typically they want information on a brand or article of clothing. Sometimes I will see someone looking at my blog through a search question and I want to scream the answer to them, because I know they will not find it on the post they are viewing. Like yesterday when someone searched, “Can I wear Johnny Was over 55?” YES! Of course! Please do so! You will look fabulous. It is like that dream where you cannot speak. In the meantime, they silently move along. Still searching for the answer. Never knowing that I am miming it to them through the internet. Isn’t that how it works?

But other search terms, well, I really am not at all sure how or why the search engine sent their quest to my blog. But I do get a chuckle from it. I have all ready mentioned in this post a weird search engine term that frequently sends folks to this blog. But I thought it would be fun to share a few others. The Bloggess shares hers every so often and before that, Pioneer Woman shared hers. And before Pioneer Woman… Well, who remembers? Anyway, those search engine posts on different blogs are always some of my favorites. I wrote some of my search terms down exactly as they were searched, typos and all. The italics are my thoughts on them:

I have a lover my husband is to small
(are we talking gnome size or imp? I draw the line at gnomes. I would hate to have to fetch him from the junk drawer)

How do i show my mil i love and appreciate about her

Why is my maah lumpy and sloppy?
(So many questions. Not enough towels)

Son smelling mom dress
(is it because maah is lumpy and sloppy?)

Dream of getting three hamburgers

No wonder everyone always wants to go to grandma’s house
(no wonder, indeed. She must feed you three hamburgers)

Big toe lover .com
(I have no words, and apparently not big enough toes)

I am comin gnome accross spiders too much, what does this indicate?

Think my diy finds me too needy
(I believe you. Are you hammering into him? Drilling him about his whereabouts? You should paint him a different picture)

How to deflect a curse
(I am still working on that. Did you talk to that telemarketer, too?)

You met a fairy in your dreams and gave a gift
(was it three hamburgers?)

Dream dictionary tattoo on forehead
(that would be an odd looking tattoo)

Lovely name on vest for lovers

Yogurt in dream, dreamology
(I have met your unhealthier soulmate somewhere on this blog)

Trader joes croissants didn’t proof
(next you’re going to say they didn’t rhombus either)

Contain of fair & lovely pig
(I would love to be offended that this search brought you here, but the first two descriptions are nice, so I’ll take it)

What goes with roosters on a mantle
(um, what doesn’t go with roosters on a mantle? Needy DIY is that you?)

Gnome as a manicurist
(see big toe lover dot com)

Gnome Lover Height
(I’ll tell ya, but not if you are looking for a lover because your husband is to small: 5’6″)

If you have a blog have you checked it recently for funny search terms? I find the best time to do so is right before midnight. The best search terms seem to be at night, when people are dreaming about hamburgers… And sloppy maahs. Hopefully not together.

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This Ain’t Your Mother-In-Law’s Blog

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My poor disappointed searchers.

Well, some of my disappointed searchers. The rest are quite lovely. It is just the few that are worrisome.

When you have a blog, you can see how people found your blog in your stat results on your stat page. Some of of my blog traffic comes from search engines. Seeing the search results that led people to the blog is one of the best parts about having a blog. A behind the scenes look at the internet. And the thoughts in people’s heads. Sometimes they are funny. Sometimes they are sad. Sometimes they are scary. Oftentimes I get a chuckle.

There are the typical Hunter Boots searches. Anthropologie searches. Dear sweet people looking for gnome products. And the nice people actually looking for my blog.

But one of my top searches that leads to my blog is for “mother-in-laws in revealing outfits.” I get this one at least a couple of times a week. That is a tame one. Sometimes there are more graphic words involved. Often there are more graphic words involved. In fact, sometimes the very word “graphic” is inserted into the search. And one letter in the alphabet repeated three times for some reason. I can’t quite figure out what that means. Boop-Boop-De-doop-oop!

Anyway, who knew mother-in-laws were so hot?

The reason this becomes even more funny to me is because what I believe they end up seeing is My Beef Stroganoff Recipe. Because my mother-in-law has not revealed the whole recipe to me. Sadly for the searchers, we are both fully clothed when this happens and many feet a part. Just so ya know. The picture of me in that post is unfortunate. I was still afraid to let loose on the blog when it was taken. Do a weird little thing called…smile. But I leave the creepy picture up because I think it is funny.

I also hate revealing outfits. So, that is why it is doubly hilarious.

Poor guys. I do hope they find what they are looking for. Just not here.

I also can’t help but wonder if they make the beef stroganoff recipe…later.

In fact, the whole situation often leaves me with questions in my head. Such as: Oh, God. Please have seen my site and left. Please.

How long did you stay on my site?

Are you the one who clicked that picture of me five times?

And then I silently scream. And run around my house five times.

Then I call my mother-in-law to see if she would be interested in hosting a site with me. There seems to be a certain niche missing in a certain market. Just kidding. Seeing if you were paying attention..

What surprises me is there haven’t been any quirky gnome searches. Nobody has that fetish I guess. Poor gnomes. Mother-in-laws are just so much hotter. I can say this because I plan to be one one day. And with all honesty and with utmost sincerity, I hope the person who marries my daughter has a thing for gnomes instead.

Or beef stroganoff.

Hey. You’d be surprised.

Or would you?

If you have a blog, do you get crazy searches in your stats? I write mine down in a running list that I hope to post one day. None of them have ever compared to what The Bloggess gets each month (those posts can be found here and here). Thank God. I’ll happily take the mother-in-law lusters and naively go make some beef stroganoff… By myself… Fully clothed… And just a bit more skeptical about this internet thing.