Zombified

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We decided that after our delicious meal at Mama’s Fish House, we would go find a waterfall on The Road To Hana. Lest you think we actually went and drove the road to Hana, that would be a negative. We drove ten minutes to a waterfall.

We are not Road To Hana People.

You need to know this about yourself if you decide to drive it.

You either are.

Or you are not.

And if you are not, then you really, really are not.

They do not call it “Divorce Highway” for nothing.

Last year, when we first arrived at our hotel, we stepped into an elevator with a family of three. They were so downtrodden. Heads low. Sweating. If it were not for the sweating, I would have assumed they were the first unfortunate souls in a zombie apocalypse.

We stood next to them. Cheer bouncing from our skin. Our necks freshly leied from just checking in.

The zombie family recoiled at the sight of us.

I guess fresh leis are to zombies what garlic garlands are to vampires.

I couldn’t help myself. “What happened to you?” I rudely questioned.

The dad briefly looked up. He would not look me in my eyes. The lei’s power was too much.

“We just got back from The Road To Hana,” he mumbled.

The elevator stopped and they shuffled out.

My husband and I looked at each other as the doors closed. Our eyes made a silent pact.

“We will never become those creatures.” Our eyes told each other. We will never travel to Hana.

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Fast forward a year and a half. Our stomachs full from the best meal of our lives. Our feet all clad in a various assortment of flip flops and sandals.

“Let’s find a waterfall!” I proclaimed.

It had to be the two Relaxers I had drank an hour before.

I have never wanted to see a waterfall. I have been on “The Jungle Cruise” at Disneyland before. I have seen the front side… and the backside of a waterfall.

Many times.

I was good.

But somehow we found ourselves traveling on The Road To Hana, towards Twin Falls.

The waiter had said it would be seven minutes on the road. Then there would be a little fruit stand (the sweet saving grace of the trip. They sold coconut water and apple-bananas).

“It’s justa five minute walk from ther’,” his sweet Southern accent promised.

We must not have tipped enough.

Either that or five minutes in Maui is different than in other parts of the world.

Our watches must not have caught up.

Or maybe he assumed we had all ready been zombified from having taken the road to Hana to the restaurant.

Zombies can walk far. And are horrible at math.

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We took all of our belongings out of the car.

All of them.

The signs told us to.

We began the walk.

In our stupid, impractical open-toed shoes, we set out on a hike.

Our shoulders laden with a camera bag and purses.

We are nothing if not always unprepared.

I should have paid attention to the people walking from the other direction. Back towards their cars. Their t-shirts clinging to their wet bodies. Their heads set low.

But I didn’t. I was too busy oohing and aahing about the trees as we wandered down a rocky path.

I was imagining I was Joan in “Romancing The Stone.”

This lasted for about five minutes before the complaining began.

“How much farther?”

“My feet hurt.”

“Whose idea was this?”

“Ugh! It is so hot.”

And the complaints were all coming from me.

I was in character.

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We crossed a small river pond body of water .

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And we walked.

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A lot.

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We finally made it to the waterfall after forty five minutes. Sweat was pouring down our faces. Across the small lake, a cheering crowd of people clad in various forms of swimwear had formed around the water’s edge.

They were laughing.

Splashing.

Immune to a forty-five minute walk in the heat of a humid day.

Lovely.

It was a party and zombies were not allowed.

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We turned around and headed back to our car.

Down trodden.

Heads low.

Sweating.

Shuffling.

We had caught the dreaded virus.

Otherwise known as physical exertion.

There was no help for us.

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When we finally got back to the hotel, our eyes squinted at the pure gleaming whiteness of the buildings. We shuffled past newly arrived guests getting their fresh leis oblivious to the adventures that might await them.

I heard one of them ask the girl at the front desk,”How long will it take us to get to Hana?”

I shambled past them.

Sniffed in disdain the fresh lei upon her neck.

The newbie was asking the wrong question. The right question is, “How long will it take in Maui/Zombie time to get to Hana?”

I could have warned her. Told her to stay in the comforts of the hotel. But that would not have been fair.

You either are Road To Hana People. Or you are not. You need to know which one you are.

Because on The Road To Hana, it is survival of the fittest.

It is good to know which one you are.

Before that lei.

Goes around.

Your.

Neck.

9 thoughts on “Zombified

  1. This made me laugh out loud! We’ve never been brave enough to drive the road to Hana – now I know why. I’m definitely not a Road to Hana person, especially after reading your account! 😉

    • Thank you! I was hoping it would come off as funny. Yes, the word is brave. You have to be brave. Those twists and turns are not for me! : )

      Have a happy Sunday!

      Jenni

  2. I had to laugh at your description. We drove to Hana. It’s a really long drive. There were several meltdowns along the way. I remember my dad being stressed out about driving back in the dark.

    • Thank you Liana. I cannot imagine driving that in the dark! Yes, meltdowns. At our table at the luau, the honeymooners had taken the drive the day before. They even said, “Well, we survived it.” Luckily they had been together for fifteen years so they were used to working together. I have a friend who did the drive on her honeymoon and they almost got the marriage annulled afterwards. She is the one who convinced me to definitely not do it, although I was all ready pretty much there after witnessing the family last year. Many people do love it and they are much stronger and outdoorsy than me. A teenage girl at our luau table said she liked it, so I know there are many who do. It was a funny conversation that night.

      Have a terrific Sunday!

      Jenni

  3. Pingback: Things We Did and ate On Maui | Gnome Lover

  4. Thank you. From reading your excellent story I now know. I will not be a Road To Hana person. That is just not me. I will resist. I will not do it. I promise I will stay by the hotel pool with my glass of wine and pity the poor people who take the Road To Hana without knowing they are are not Road To Hana people. And I will run from the people who are Road To Hana people. I don’t trust those people.
    🙂

    • Thanks Cynthia. I don’t want to discourage anyone. I just am not a outdoorsy girl. Especially with windy roads and humidity. I hope your play went well! I have been thinking of you. I cannot wait for an update!

      Sweet dreams!

      Jenni

  5. You convinced me not to do the Road to Hana. I have been to Kauai three times and my guess is that since it is known as the garden island and incredibly beautiful, I really don’t need to see Hana. This sounds awful, but I am not as excited about Maui and I would rather go back to Kauai, but we thought we should just try it out. These blog posts are really coming in handy and therefore, helping me to become more happy about it. It’s also a great location for blog posts.
    Have a great evening,
    Stacey

    • Oh! I do not want to dissuade anyone. I wrote it as a funny story. If you are outdoorsy, you would probably like the drive. I am not outdoorsy. At all. I bet Kauai is more picturesque, though. I think the draw to Maui is the restaurants and different things to do versus the land. I really think Maui is just wonderful. Truly. I think you will have a great time.

      Enjoy!

      Jenni

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