A Lion Of A Lie

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We used to have a cat. “Kitty.” That was her name. She was mine for three days before I met my husband. But “my cat” she stayed. Therefore, she was my responsibility.

Kitty had problems. She was skittish. She hated people. And she liked to ruin things.

Mostly anything and everything that we cherished and loved.

We decided we needed to get her declawed (being young, we did not understand how gruesome this was. Please forgive our stupidity). In speaking with a guy I worked with (let’s call him Dan), I mentioned we needed to take Kitty to the vet. We did not have a cat carrier. This being an actual conversation we had. And probably the liveliest one of the day.

He kindly offered up his mother’s cat carrier (’cause he lived with her, of course). And a deal of sorts was struck. In exchange for the use of his cat carrier, I would cook him Pepper Bellies the next week. Yes, this actually happened. And, yes, that is actually what I served him. This being the fanciest thing I knew how to make at the time (I was twenty one. Pregnant. And clueless).

Well, being the procrastinators that my husband and I are, the deadline to return the cat carrier came and went. Dan was frantic. He really needed that cat carrier back. This leads to many questions and images for another day. But, the problem was, we still had not taken the cat to the vet. So, I did what any sane person would do. I returned the cat carrier to Dan…

And I lied.

“Thank you so much for lending this to me, Dan. I really appreciate it. Kitty is having such a hard time of it. She has bandages up to her chest. Your carrier was a lifesaver.” I driveled to him some such nonsense.

And then, after I dumped on him that outrageous lie, I proceeded to invite him over for dinner…The next night.

It was on that night that I realized maybe Dan would notice that not only did Kitty not have bandages all the way up her appendages. But that she did not have any bandages at all. And that she still had a full set of perfectly capable claws.

I thought about bandaging her up, but being that she still had her claws, this seemed like a bad idea…For me.

So, we locked Kitty upstairs in our guest bedroom and waited for Dan to make his appearance. She had her cat box in there and plenty of food and water (in case you were worried).

He arrived and I cooked him up a marvelous batch up Pepper Bellies. I even let him take home the leftovers. I am nothing if not generous. And an atrocious liar.

We sat down in our living room and made conversation. I am sure it was just as entertaining as how this night initially started. As all of our conversations were back then.

Now, what you need to know about our living room, is that it looked right up onto our guest bedroom door.

As we were conversing, Kitty began to bang on the door.

My husband and I looked at each other. We shrugged.

“Don’t worry,” I told Dan. “We wanted her locked up so she wouldn’t hurt her bandages.”

Kitty began to screech at the door.

We ignored it. Dan, at this point, was staring at the guest room door above his head.

Kitty began to claw at the door.

I began to talk louder.

“Screech!”

Louder.

“Screech! Scratch!

I talked louder.

“SCREECH! SCRATCH!”

LOUDER.

My husband exited the conversation and just stared at me in a stupor.

“And so DAN, THAT IS WHY PEPPER BELLIES SHOULD BE CALLED PEPPER BELLIES AND NOT FRITO PIE!” I practically screamed.

Dan was no longer paying attention. His gaze was directed to the guest bedroom door. It sounded like a lion was trapped behind it.

The door burst open!

Kitty tore down the stairs. Her claws digging into the carpet. The sound of them echoing throughout the house. She came to a halt in front of us.

Perfectly happy again. Perfectly healthy. Perfectly without bandages. She arched her back, looked Dan in the eye, and began to claw the carpet.

Dan looked at me. I shrugged. We did not say another word.

He left shortly after, taking his pepper bellies and my dignity with him. The door closed. My husband and I turned and looked at each other. We burst out laughing.

Our living room turned into a hyena den.

The lion looked at us in disgust.

12 thoughts on “A Lion Of A Lie

  1. That is so funny. I can totally imagine that happening. We are a little like that also and borrow things and then have to give them back without using them before borrowing them again months or years later and actually using it.

    Just last week a friend returned a DVD they had borrowed over a year ago. I asked them if they had enjoyed the film and they replied they hadn’t watched it.

    • Thanks Stephen!

      Yes! I just borrowed a library book from a friend. Talk about stressful. I can never turn those things in on time. I was so stressed out about it, I never read it, and just turned it in early. The pressure was too much!

      Have a great day!

      Jenni

  2. This made me cry I was laughing so hard picturing it. You seemed to be cursed with crazy and mean cats. 🙂 What happened to kitty?

    • Thanks Liz! It was an awful night. Kitty had her good moments. However, we are definitely dog folks in our own home after Kitty, but I still think cats are so so cute. Kitty went to “live with the vet forever” four years ago. It was super sad. : (

      I’ll talk to you soon. Have a great day!

      Jenni

  3. This is great! I’ve been wanting to write up little anecdotes and essays, and this is inspiring me to get up off my butt and do it! I can only pack in so much descriptive and figurative language into an outfit post without feeling ridiculous.

    This was so funny and so charming. I can’t believe no one said anything about it…lol. Maybe because you all knew, and it went without saying? Thanks for sharing! A great wake-me-up this morning. 🙂

    Liz

    • Thanks Liz! I am glad to have inspired you! : )

      I love to write. I have missed it all of these years. It is nice to get into it again. I cannot wait to read what you come up with!

      Have a lovely Thursday! Thank you for commenting! : )

      Jenni

  4. Kitty!! What a cutie-pie!! You’re right – she looks like our black cat, Penelope. Did she ever tame up or was she always crazy and skittish? It’s so interesting that nowadays there are all kinds of solutions and theories and products to deal with cats like Kitty that weren’t available even a few years ago. Sounds like Kitty was semi-feral which can really be devastating on a household.

    This story is so funny, Jenni! You should write a book of short stories!

    Thank you for writing a cat story! Love love love it!

    xo,cynthia

    • Wasn’t she so cute? She had wonderful white tufts that came out of her ears. She was always fine with us. I have pictures of Kitty with my children and they are laying on her as she is purring. She just hated everyone else. For a while she was on prozac. Oh my gosh! That was awful! She would foam and vomit. Anyway…

      When we first moved into the house we live in now, Kitty was wonderful. She still hated people, but she loved the high ceilings. At night, she would jump from the counter to the top of the fridge to the ledge near the ceiling. I am guesstimating that it was 13 feet from the ground. One night we heard a loud crash. Kitty had fallen asleep on the ledge and fallen off and hit our dining room table. I had no idea cats could even fall like that. She appeared fine. She was running around. But I think she must have suffered some sort of brain injury, because she was never the same after that. Really sad.

      My husband and I were both “cat” people before Kitty. We did not like dogs. At all. But after Kitty, we went the opposite direction. She broke our heart.

      Thank you so much for your kind comments on my writing. I am trying. It is a constant process.

      Have a great evening!

      Jenni

      • Oh! Oh no… I am so sorry about Kitty…Cats aren’t always the most well balanced – contrary to popular belief. We have one that is always crashing into the cabinet when he misses the counter. Oh dear… what a sad thing to have happen… xoxo…

      • Hi Cynthia! That sounds cute. I am sure if it hurt the cat it would stop. Kitty never ever got anywhere high again after that night. Super sad. I hope your kitties stay safe! : )

        Jenni

    • Thanks Brynne. It still makes me chuckle. The look on his face was priceless. I will never forget the shock. Oh my gosh, it’s making me laugh now…

      Have a lovely Thursday! : ). I hope you get to smile a lot.

      Jenni

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